L A SexParty

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Description"Go West!" sang the Village People and these dirty birdies took their advice, taking Sex Party shenanigans along. Unbuckle and enjoy this spin-off of every spoogilistÂ’s favorite fleshfest: the phenomenal Manhattan Sex Party. It's odd to have to have to sit through what you think is the opening credits of a film only to discover it's a trailer for another release, but it happened here. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Fool me four times and I really need to think about laying off the methadone.

The intro (when I finally got to it): a quick travelogue and sight-seeing (this time the cameraman has really bad caffeine shakes) whilst the guys arrive one-by-one. Each cast member is introduced as they walk down steps through a jailhouse-door, gazing upon their communal pleasure pit. It must have taken superpowers for each to resist the temptation not to roll their eyes and quip "What a dump.” But that's another story.

The fabulously eclectic mix of performers include the usual stars, and even sexier supporting players that include scorcher Mark Reed (just a little too Tom Selleck circa In and Out though), mega-hung Shore, who made spanking priests sexy again in Reformed; Rock, so called because this tasty daddy is roughly the size of Gibraltar; ever-reliable Vista, always good and possessor of the worldÂ’s hungriest hole. LetÂ’s also draw special attention to Richards, who I've reserved for my own private fantasies. He's great. Imagine Ross from Friends devoting a decade to sin and here's the result.

If you think it's unfair of me to point out the cast's foibles, letÂ’s just say it's never meant maliciously. Please. Think of the naming-and-shaming I could do with most porno stars - especially the chunky ones who've done seven push-ups and convinced themselves they could pass as Matt Damon. That would be truly cunty of me.

The unofficial star of the show topwise is mega-muscled Cougar (Could that name be any butcher?), the pen-ultimate pig to descend the steps. Last but not least it's the gorgeous Cortes, who no doubt had so much fun in the Manhattan soiree he hopped a Greyhound to join in again. As he surveys the scene we get our first taste, and as you'd expect, itÂ’s already in full swing.

Sexual appetites donÂ’t differ too much from coast to coast and gluttony truly is an American tradition (best exemplified by those fat girls who order twelve Big Mac Meals and swill them down with Diet Coke, because it's got fewer calories). Luckily these guys are not one to refuse the banqueting opportunities presented! And your screwed if you think I'm gonna list all that occurs sexually from now on; just try not to pass out from eyeball and crotch exhaustion. Brave fellas one and all, especially for the fact they are boffing on the San Andreas fault. Imagine if the Big One hit, how exactly would they explain their lack of attire to the rescuers as they are pulled out of a crack in the earth?

These orgy movies work brilliantly as "performer samplers" - see a guy you like and later check out his other work. Almost every performer has made a similar title, many together.

Imagine as they sat down between takes and caught up on gossip:
"Did you hear about so-and-so?"
"Not since her last prolapse."
"She had the nip and tuck but unfortunately her body rejected the wasp-waist transplant."

The first thing to catch my eye is Ignacio, a mystery kid wearing a mask. (Seems The Boy Wonder got tired of hanging round Wayne Manor dealing with Bruce's same old tired vanilla shit night after night.) He invites himself into a Jammer and Cortes tango, which is odd enough to begin with because both bald-and-goateed guys look like the results of a Mad ScientistÂ’s first shot at cloning Lance Gear.

And words of advice, if at any point you donÂ’t like the on-screen action you've got two choices. Either wait five seconds till the next cut, or just watch what's up in the background. ThereÂ’s too much sex! Wow. And I thought I'd never say that, ever.

One of the highlighting bottoms on show is wonderfully slutty Wolfe, introduced here gobbling on Rock, who surprisingly doesnÂ’t sweat much for a big guy. Nearby Russo is busy performing his own party trick: sucking jizz from his own cock. After the ever dividing and reconnecting guys have sucked serious inches (way to suck two at once!) it's time to move on to asses. More holes are eaten than in a packet of Lifesavers and the race is on to be the first to go Ned Beatty and squeal like a pig.

The winner is Jammer, who steals the crown as he climbs aboard a sling and gives it for all he's worth. Those expecting friendly rivals "Hole Faithful" Vista or blonde Price donÂ’t have long to wait. Their bottomless pit routines begin as Vista climbs scaffolding whilst He-Man bodied Cougar thrusts him like crazy. Once he's been inside Vista, Cougar has got a taste for it and spends the rest of the movie filling every crack he can. Don't worry, equally built and equally 'stached Archer ensures Vista's hole is properly maintained in his absence.

Did I mention that the extra forty minutes on the DirectorÂ’s Cut contain buckets of oral cumshots? Masked marauder Ignacio starts the trend by letting rip from his incredible foreskinned wand into CortesÂ’ mouth, who immediately dives for seconds slurping the remaining cum from ReedÂ’s tool, finally finishing off Jammer too. Price gets the runner-up prize as he finishes off ShoreÂ’s spit-gun-spit before drinking down RichardsÂ’ offering in slow-mo. VistaÂ’s more an "on me, not in me" guy, but he's more than happy to swallow his own. And I've got to stop the review right there, because I canÂ’t keep up.

The best allegory I can find is that L.A. Sex Party is like one of those Korean Domino Rallies you see on TV - endless close-ups of falling tiles that never seem to stop. Imagine it in human form! Each of you will have your own favorite bit, but with each new viewing you'll discover a hidden gem you missed first time around.


Added2014-08-07 14:42:10
Size4.31 GB (4,632,469,504 bytes)
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