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|Original upload: 2012-11-20 | |
It's bad news for a biker who is injured on a dirt road, but the paramedics arrive just in time for the credits. Cameron Fox decides they have to hurry, since the "guy is in bad shape." CUT! Elfin director Vince Harrington is furious at Cameron for not knowing his lines and the central gimmick of "The Paramedics" is revealed. It's a porn spoof of porn. With writer-director Thor Stephans at the helm, I would expect nothing less than non-stop hilarity, and that's just what ensues. He fires venomous darts at everyone in the industry, but lovingly coats them with gobs of humorous honey. Using a cast of models beyond perfection, he doesn't let the sex doesn't get completely lost in the talky soapy spectacle. There's room enough in this epic for everything.
Hassled Vince has other problems. Producer Dan Cross (playing himself) finds two of the models don't have IDs and studio owner Dillon Press has the hots for Cameron Fox, which is getting in the way. Those models without ID are Park Wiley and Chad Farrell, who are found in an ambulance getting in on without cameras rolling. In his defense, Chad does have a "gym card," and their coke-snorting agent (an unbilled and amusing Thor Stephans himself) is no help. Not caring for IDs or shooting schedules, the guys are bent on getting it on. "Can't you cum twice?" Park baits Chad before going down on him. Park rattles off a deep-throat of tall brunet Chad's dick with amazing simplicity. Chad then takes his turn, going for a head-twister blowjob. The dick that fits in Park's mouth so well does just the same in his ass, with Chad, veins popping out all over, showing rabid attention to the fine plug. Park's ride works just as well and doesn't end until he cums. Chad then has a good shot all over his abs. There are two comical "interviews" with the guys after this scene where they remember it happening in two very different ways.
Dillon is not only worried about Cameron (and Vince chastises him that "it's not very professional, sweetie, to fuck with the models") but also the budget and the all-important master tapes. This leads into an "interview" with Vince, where he admits he "got sidetracked into making fuck films," rather than using his theater degree. Vince, sporting a dressing gown and riding crop, shows two incredibly hunky real-life paramedics around the set while P.A. Kyle Lewis salivates over these two gods. Meanwhile, star Justin Dragon is complaining about having to do a dialogue scene with Lana Luster and the bottom hasn't shown up! Oh, and Lana? Well, the Vince Harrington-look-a-like is busy in the dressing room trying on wigs ("too Barbara Stanwyck" is the blonde one, "too Susan Hayward" is the red one, but the dark Ava Gardner suits her). And producer Dan? All he can complain about is "long, long scripts."
Kyle, so wondrously chiseled, has managed to snag himself straight paramedic Jonathan West, a slurpy muscular hunk with a huge tattoo covering his abs. Kyle gives Jonathan a staggeringly good blowjob, such a professional cocksucking. His mouth is amply wet and it just engulfs Jonathan. It's a great sight to see this gargantuan hulk leaned up against a wall being adored so well. Stetson Gable, the other paramedic, and a tie in the handsome built department, is dismayed upon seeing this sight. "You gotta pull your dick out and try this," Jonathan says. So, he does it and doesn't regret it. Kyle gives him the same definitive attention, darting between the beefy specimens excitedly. But, even these two paragons are not enough to keep Kyle busy, and he takes to hairy goateed Justin Dragon when he enters to get fluffed. No tiring here, as Kyle goes apeshit on Justin. Justin rims Kyle's begging ass as Kyle goes back to the paramedics, licking the butt generously and opening up the muscular cheeks to get in deep. It's not going to make Vince happy to know his star is fucking around off camera, but Justin's fuck of Kyle is superb. His big cock gets some push-back from Kyle, so he has to work hard, but he soon conquers it and his Kyle speedily. The straight guys watch jealously as Justin shows how well a fuck can go with a willing bottom. Jonathan cums on Kyle, followed by shots from Stetson, with a huge one, Kyle himself and then Justin.
Once Kyle awakens from the above scene (another cute trick), Dan is there telling him the bottom still hasn't shown. "I can do the scene," Kyle confidently tells him. In an "interview," Kyle proudly coos, "I'll suck dick anywhere, anytime ... and the right man, he can fuck me anyway he wants to. I was born for my body ... to be amused for men's pleasure." Jonathan liked his experience and Lana, she's still flipping wigs. As the "interviews" progress, even the make-up man is self-important. But poor Lana, she has to do her "interview" in a turban and a face mask, looking something like a spotted desert with sunglasses, but the lucky Lana, now in a to-die-for get-up flirts with the paramedics, neither of whom suspect her "secret." Speaking of those secrets, adding to the hilarity on this peculiar set is Justin Dragon's "girlfriend," the zaftig drag diva Jazmine. She and Lana have a bad history, calling Ms. Luster "fabu-less" in her "interview."
Trust me, I'm not heightening the important of the non-sexual moments here. I'm actually leaving some out, but there is so much meat to this script and so much canny business going on, it would be a crime not to mention it. In another part of the studio, photog Anthony Shaw, so fucking gorgeous and so barely contained by his mostly unbuttoned shirt, is discussing his upcoming photo shoot with assistant Justin Wells, an adorable easygoing brunet, who also happens to be his boyfriend. The model is tall boyish Jason Crew, who has the hots for Justin. As Jason whips through a series of sexy poses for Anthony (including a self-fuck that needs to be seen to be believed), the boyfriends get all hot and bothered and Anthony is soon slaving over stacked Justin's cock. Anthony reels off one of his patented calming blowjobs on Justin and then does the same to Jason. Justin helps Anthony and in one of the scene's finest moments, they take a lengthy time to share Jason. It's incredibly lusty, with Jason swinging his cock back and forth between the men when they aren't double-teaming him. While Justin sucks Jason solo, Anthony blows Justin, using a tickling hand that is right in line with the slow-paced sensual mood of the scene. A circle-suck follows, with everyone keeping things very passionate. Jason, still the focus of the scene, fucks Anthony with big energy while Anthony keeps on Justin's dick. Suddenly, spunk is the watchword and Anthony allows Jason to fuck him terrifically. Anthony's ass never turns in for the night, so Justin fucks it next, maintaining Jason's level of excellence and hitting Anthony hard. Just when a normal scene would end, this one hits an unexpected high note when Anthony gets double-fucked! Stealing the movie out from every other performer and the plot, Anthony lets the guys pull him as wide apart as an ass can go, with Jason going awfully full-tilt. Jason pulls out when he can't contain his cum any longer. Anthony shoots on Justin's beautiful torso and Justin hits Anthony's ass with his shot. Anthony turns lovingly pretentious for his "interview" and Justin, in his, loves porn sets, "with all the dicks floppin' around." As for Jason, he's just into his powers as a porn star.
With all the plots having been taken care of, the last loose end belongs to the ever-glamorous Cameron Fox, who tells the camera his body is more appreciated than what's in it. I'm sure if someone got inside, they would find plenty to appreciate, but what's wrong with ogling the surface? Nothing, according to Dillon, who is so hot for Cameron, Vince has to pay Cameron to have another session with him. For the money, Cameron agrees, but notes that Dillon is "going to be walking bowlegged" after the encounter. Dillon and Cameron meet on a rickety wooden bridge over a stream, a picturesque location for the final scene, where Cameron teases Dillon to the hilt. Very important to the scene is Cameron's preening and Dillon's almost teenage-like lust for him and it's a credit to the director that not once during the scene does that theme flag. But, onto the sex: Dillon blows Cameron with all of his considerable skill, and Cameron's cock is gigantic. Dillon is a pro, and he handles it like one. Cameron actually sucks Dillon, impressively able to deep-throat the big man. Cameron then lets Dillon come to his dick to get fucked, almost lazing as Dillon backs up onto it. Once it's fully set, Cameron slams at Dillon, burrowing deep and slicing away at Dillon's rock-hard ass. Dillon does an equal share of riding backwards, keeping up the speed and force. Dillon then rides full time, more like a gyration with a fully inserted cock that he doesn't want to lose. Dillon creams on Cameron's chest, but note Cameron's reaction: "That's what you needed, didn't you?" See, the scene never loses the edge of attitude. Once Cameron cums and dresses, he leaves, full of bile.
Remember the master tapes Dillon was so worried about? Well, between Vince, Kyle and an ambulance, he's not going to be happy with what happened to them.
"The Paramedics" isn't the kind of spoof where one has to be on the inside to get the jokes. That wouldn't sustain this heavily plotted film. No, the jokes are just plain funny and the acting, for the most part, is dead on. Everyone culls the appropriate level of mocking ego that tends to appear when Hollywood turns on itself (and is usually right). But, this is still porn, and it's the sex between the scenes that is full of quality. If Anthony Shaw and Kyle Lewis end up burned into my memory, it's only because they were given the flashiest sexual acts. And rightly so, they are porn stars. If dialogue makes them nervous, give them cocks and asses and all is well. That, my friends, is the moral of all porn. Clashing egos and temper tantrums are just part of the fun of getting there.
Starring Chad Farrell, Park Wiley, Stetson Gable, Jonathan West, Justin Dragon, Jason Crew, Anthony Shaw, Justin Wells, Cameron Fox and Dillon Press. Also featuring Vince Harrington, Lana Luster, Jazmine, Dan Cross and Thor Stephans in non-sexual roles.
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